30w1d – Mar 27

I did not enjoy my OB visit today.

Should I write about it? Yes.

Do I want to? No.

BGL is doing fine. I had my first NST (where they strap monitors on your belly and have you drink ice water and watch baby’s heart rate, especially in response to baby movements, which you document by pressing a button). She did fine. She “passed.”

So BGL is doing fine. Like a champ.

I did not handle the appointment as well as she did. I foolishly have an expectation that I won’t have to remind them what they should already know about me every time. And when I do, I get annoyed and frustrated.

I foolishly think that the nurses and technicians are trained in what not to say to expectant mothers. They aren’t. And I get frustrated, and my anxiety goes haywire. I’m sure the sudden increase in anxiety doesn’t help my blood pressure.

I mean, who would think that it’s a good idea for a NST nurse/tech (I don’t know what her training is) to hunch over while staring at the monitor and tell your baby she needs to calm down? Does that sound like a good idea to you? Do you think an expectant mom who has had recent “scares” wants to hear someone talking to her baby like she needs to calm down? I don’t think she wants to hear that. I didn’t like it.

And what I call a “scare” is really, in retrospect, the doctors being extra cautious. But extra cautious when not well-explained to the patient can be very scary and unsettling. As I believe I have stated before.

The doctor was able to smooth my ruffled feathers pretty well once the NST was over and I was meeting individually with her. By the end, we were both in agreement that BGL is looking good and everything looks fine and there’s no reason to think that BGL will be here particularly early. As long as things stay on their current trajectory.

But she still insisted on adding an NST to the schedule. And she insisted that we repeat the pre-eclampsia blood and urine tests in the next week. So I’m not her biggest fan, but on the whole, she did a fine job at being my provider today.

We reconfirmed that I cannot control whether the baby grows or not and cannot control whether I develop pre-eclampsia or not. My sister reminded me that the same is true for all pregnant women, so I need to find ways to remind myself that I am normal and not unlike so many other millions of women around the world.

My doctors and midwives may tell themselves – and me – that all the extra observation makes some difference in what happens. In reality, though, what will happen will happen whether they’re watching or not. They can be in a better position to jump to my and my baby’s aid if necessary. But they can’t change what’s going on either.

The exception, I suppose, is if they introduce drugs into the equation. Steroids to encourage lung development. Some other drug to stop contractions if pre-term labor became an issue. Something to control my blood pressure. But even those things wouldn’t make my baby grow per se.

Anyway. I wish I were in a better frame of mind about it all. Because I did learn some things today. Things that could conceivably be of interest or of use to someone who one day might face what I’m facing.

But I’m not in the mood to process all of this and write about it in an informative and helpful sort of way.

I’d rather just complain. Please forgive me.

P.S. At one point when my self-induced anxiety was at its worst, the Ms. NST came in to take my blood pressure again. 134/80 (much better than the first time). And I need to state for the record that I prayed my heart out during that reading that the BP would be okay. I know that prayer was heard and answered. I know it.

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2 Responses to 30w1d – Mar 27

  1. Marisa Dittmer says:

    I love you so much. I love that BGL is kicking trash in there and she will be a force later on in life. I can’t wait to see all she does. You are amazing and totally okay to have mama bear reactions to someone tell your baby to calm down. I probably would have yelled “you calm down!”

  2. Carol says:

    Yeah!

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