Was not in DC today.
My blood sugars were good. My ketones were appropriately absent.
I felt off this afternoon. Really tired. A different kind of tired. I wondered if my blood pressure was high. So I took my blood pressure.
Since my visit to triage, I’ve taken my blood pressure morning and night. That’s all. Not in the afternoon or other time in the middle of the day. But today I did.
160s/100s. Holy cow. That’s really high. No wonder I was feeling so out of it.
So I took a nap and took it again. 160s/100s. Still. Harrumph.
I decided to take a shower. Our son was still napping.
I could hear that he was awake as I was drying off and getting dressed. My goodness. He was crying and screaming and yelling at his dad.
I went in, and now he was crying and screaming and yelling at me. Didn’t want either of us to talk to him. Or touch him. Just lay on the floor and scream/yelled. The kind that will ruin your voice if it’s not already ruined from the cough you’ve had for the last several days.
So we left. And he ranted and tantrum-ed in his room. And slammed the door repeatedly.
I texted my sister that he was in the middle of the worst tantrum of his life. I left out the part that we neither of us had any idea what set him off.
I started dinner. My husband went up to stop our son from slamming the door so much.
And then before I knew it, they came downstairs, I received a hug and a request to be picked up, followed shortly by a request to be put down, but still.
We ate dinner.
I sat down for my evening blood pressure reading. 141/90. Not wonderful. But better. And certainly in the same range as I’ve been having the last couple of weeks.
The moral(s) of the story: what goes up must come down; if your son’s blood pressure is up, yours will not be (this is not logical but is apparently true); don’t test your blood pressure in the afternoon.
I want to say a few things about what’s going on with me spiritually.
I have said more than once before that I believe my husband and I were led to the point of doing this last IVF cycle that has resulted in this pregnancy. Well, if I believe that, then I logically also believe that what’s going on now with her smallness and my blood pressure/gestational diabetes and whatever else is also part of the path that we stepped on when we chose to do this cycle, so to speak. But it also means that if we believed that God was in control and leading us then, then we should also believe that He is in control and leading us now.
And I do believe that.
I have said at least once, probably more, that I feel I can’t do anything to fix this situation. To make my daughter grow faster. The medical professionals have also said that they can’t with certainty say why she’s small or do anything to make her grow faster. I say faster because she is growing. Just not as much as the statistically normal curve would predict that she should grow.
So we watch and wait and hope. And pray. (And I eat according to the gestational diabetes regimen.)
These children that we women bring into the world are God’s children. Procreation and the giving of life are His realm. He knows what He’s doing.
I will do what I can to take care of me and to be as strong and healthy as I can be. That’s the best I can do physically to help my little girl.
And then I will be at peace that God is in control. Not me. Not my doctors and midwives. Just Him. And while I have no doubt that He appreciates our help because it makes His job that much easier (seriously), I will trust that He’s got this.
I can be at peace. Even with high blood pressure.