journal entry – sept 27 2016

as i drove to the fertility center for my blood test this morning, i thought back to the day i found out i was pregnant with bbl. i’m sure i’ve written before about how my phone rang less than an hour after i got home and that the woman who drew my blood told me she had done a little test and wanted to call and give me the good news. but shhh. they would call me with the official lab results later, and i needed to act surprised.

no such phone call today.

but anyway. as i was driving in, i remembered that day.

as i’ve waited for this pregnancy test day, i have been all over the map. really hopeful and encouraged. despondent. hopeful again. convinced it’s impossible that i could ever be pregnant again. the pathways in my brain that march toward a negative pregnancy test are deep and rutted. it is hard to escape them. it’s like a knee-jerk reaction.

the idea of being pregnant pops into my head. you won’t be, is the immediate response.

i hear about someone being pregnant. you’re not, arrives in my head at the same time.

should i take a pregnancy test and see what it say? it’s going to be negative, and do you really want to deal with that before the “official” result is available? and even if the test is positive, it’s probably wrong.

nope. not happening. the message of negative and failure is a recurring drum beat.

those brain pathways are powerful. hard to fight against.

but i wrote about an awesome experience from a few days ago. so there’s that.

and yesterday when i walked with bbl over to the swings, i felt buoyant and hopeful. i felt pregnant. not in any physical symptoms sort of way. i just felt like it was possible and if possible then potentially true at that moment. i felt like i might be pregnant at that moment.

even today as i left the fertility center with a red band on my arm, i was able to tell myself that i am pregnant. that they will call today and tell me my hcg numbers and progesterone levels and schedule my next blood test. that will be the phone call instead of someone calling to say she’s sorry but the test was negative.

back to remembering the first day. i realized as i thought back to that day that i feel somehow undeserving of another miracle baby. like i’ve already had mine and don’t feel right hoping for that again. the first day was just some dream and imagining that i would live through that dream again is unfathomable.

somehow, that realization gave me hope for today. like that awareness helped me to see another reason for all the pessimism and to identify it as pessimism. not as truth or inevitability. but as pessimism and fear.

so i wait for the phone call. what time will they call, and what will they say? and how long will it take me to be okay with what they say – either way?

something else. the fact that the “you’re pregnant” phone call came early that day makes today harder. why didn’t she call? if she doesn’t call, does it mean she knows and just doesn’t want to call me just to tell me bad news? waiting all day for the phone call with the “official” results is hard to do when the possibility that someone already knows the answer is running in the back of my head.

of course i don’t even know if she had time to do a little test there in the office. i don’t even know if she would do that again. she was there this morning as a favor to others who had called in sick. so an early phone call to me with good news might not even have been on her radar.

maybe you’re saying that now would be the time to just go take a home pregnancy test. just to see. so i don’t have to wait. but, like i said, i am not sure i could possibly trust the results of such a test, no matter what they were.

waiting is hard.

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One Response to journal entry – sept 27 2016

  1. Carol says:

    I see, I feel. Good writing. I love you.


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