free write

the words are not coming. my fingers are still.

i think that good writers tell you that when that happens, you’re just supposed to start writing (or typing, as the case may be). start putting words to paper, and hopefully the words will come. the thoughts will form.

i often have trouble getting started with writing because i have so many thoughts going on in my head. so many ideas that i want to express. and it isn’t easy to get them all out and have them all make sense and work together.

once you commit yourself to putting certain words down, you have made it harder to say other words. or you have to spend some time thinking about how to explain that you have considered those other words before you’ve written these.

i want people to know that i have thought before i have written. it is impossible – and not really fun and probably confusing to read – to list out all the ideas and perspectives you have considered before committing to the idea and perspective you are writing about.

that desire for people to know that i am not speaking without thinking, that i realize there are different ways to say the same thing or that there are different opinions about what it is i am saying, often stops my utterance.

it also has to do with the fact that i care too much what people will think of what i write. that they won’t like the conclusions i’ve drawn. that they won’t rejoice in what i rejoice in. or, worse yet, that they will be upset by something i’ve said or even attack me for it. and then i’ll have to process that when my intention in the first place was just to share a piece of myself. i wasn’t intending to have to do more introspection based on the reaction of others beyond the introspection i’ve already done in the process of writing what i’ve written. (was that convoluted or could you follow it?)

that last part about caring what people think i really have to get over. easier said than done, of course. but look around you. plenty of people say plenty of things with no thought of how it will impact the hearer. or maybe it’s that they hope to upset their audiences. hard to say.

but where am i? what is my point here?

i guess i’m trying to get to the point – again, because i’ve been there before – where i’m willing to share my innermost and dearest hopes and dreams and beliefs regardless of the consequences. even if i have to deal with the blowback (that i worry will be there but actually probably won’t be because let’s be honest, people either won’t read this or those that do will be decent human beings and not mean people, or, more accurately, when people read something that is authentically expressed by someone else – and that’s what i’m aiming for – they can tell that it is real and honest and authentic and are likely to react with love and support; because that’s what we humans do for one another when we see realness).

i want you to know, dear reader, that as my husband and i move closer to our next IVF cycle, i am going to want to write about it. i will need to do that to process all that i am going through. to share the miracles that are getting me through what is basically just downright hard.

and yes, i hope that what i say does someone any good. i do hope for that. but i think it’s my ego that hopes for that.

if i’m totally honest, i am writing this stuff for me. writing is something i do that helps me to sort through my thoughts and actually solidify what all my thoughts mean. it helps me remember what i’ve felt and experienced. it is a selfish endeavor that ultimately is all about me.

i want to write this stuff and have someone tell me that they understand what i’m trying to say. you don’t even have to understand what i’m going through. i just want to feel like what i have written makes sense to someone. that they’ve heard the words i’ve said and think they’re coherent. that my thoughts hold together.

so i guess i am looking for some validation. but that is secondary. mostly, my writing is something i do to help me make sense of the world.

i’m not saying anything earth-shattering here. but i needed to say it.

thanks for reading.


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2 Responses to free write

  1. Carol says:

    I am glad you wrote this. By the way, see the last seven lines of my poem, In the Blood.
    And, yes, many people are just good and will appreciate and even accept what you say. Keep at it. All of it.


  2. Ann says:

    You’re welcome. I love that you write.


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