where to begin

when i was pregnant with bbl, i just wanted the delivery to be as natural as possible. no inducing labor. no epidural. i’d had enough of drugs.

i didn’t get my wish.

when i was learning to nurse bbl, i just wanted it to be easy. i wanted to feel normal. like i and my body could do something related to conceiving and birthing and feeding a baby without herculean effort.

i didn’t get my wish then either.

my husband and i have been talking for nearly a year now about having another baby. in january, i went in and had some blood tests. all signs were good and healthy.

over the summer we even went so far as to work with our fertility docs and did a few cycles of IUI. we had tried iui before with no success, but we decided it was worth another try now that my body had figured out the being pregnant thing once before.

you just never know, right.

well, you haven’t heard me announce a pregnancy, so you should know that iui didn’t work for us. or hasn’t worked for us yet.

the drugs and procedures involved when doing an iui cost us about $1000 each time. my insurance provides some coverage for ultrasounds and other diagnostic tests/procedures but zero coverage for any procedures or drugs intended to enhance fertility or encourage pregnancy.

so we’ve spent a few grand on having a baby.

like i said, you just never know. and a few grand over the course of a few months is so much more affordable than tens of thousands of dollars in one pop. we exhausted our savings and then some when we spent $40,000 getting pregnant with bbl.

i’m rambling.

so here we are. if we are serious about baby #2, we also need to be serious about doing ivf again.

and i don’t know. but it’s just weird. weird to be where we are. weird for me at least.

because as soon as ivf enters the picture, i’m not thinking about being pregnant and having another baby and a little brother or sister for bbl. i’m thinking about money. wanting baby #2 + ivf = all focus and energy is on money.

if we pay for one try at ivf, it will cost $11,000-15,000 (plus the cost of drugs which could be another $2000) depending on a couple of things that we can’t know until we see how my ovaries and eggs are looking.

if we pay for 3 tries at ivf (it took 5 tries to get pregnant with bbl), the fertility center will only charge us for the cost of 2. so 3 bites at the apple will only cost $22,000-25,000 (plus the cost of drugs).


i haven’t said so, but you might have guessed that we don’t have that kind of money. not even close.

this is where i am right now. sit with me.


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3 Responses to where to begin

  1. Carol says:

    Yes. I hear you (those three words have become so trite, but I mean them.) I am sitting, waiting, hoping with you. But I’m your mother, and as close as we are, my thoughts are not exactly your thoughts. I’d love it if you could have another baby. But I REALLY don’t want all the hard stuff that comes with ivf. REALLY. Not to mention the money.


  2. Carol says:

    I take it back. I want whatever you want.


  3. Ami says:

    I’m sitting.


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