i believe that we humans are dual beings. we have a physical body. we also have a spirit. the spirit and the body together = a soul.
before we are born, we don’t have a physical body. that’s part of why we are born here on earth: to receive a physical body.
i do not know when the spirit and the body join together. is it in the womb? is it at birth? i don’t know.
but i don’t think my baby’s spirit is already joined up with his body. i could be wrong, but i don’t think it has happened yet. i guess i think i would be able to sense it.
i have heard of women talking about knowing or feeling or sensing that there is a child (or are children) waiting to join the family. like she has a sense that there is this spirit person waiting for his or her body. so she knows she should have another baby. i imagine some men have felt or known that, too.
i am not one of those people. i have always wanted to have children. but i’ve never known how or when or if it would happen in this life. all through the fertility treatments, i moved forward and acted based on faith i had that it was the right thing to do. not because of any sense i had of a spirit who was waiting to come to me and my husband. i told my doctor more than one time that i believed that even if we completed all six ivf cycles and didn’t end up with a baby that it still would be worth it, that there still was some reason for it.
i even pondered the possibility of working through the adoption process and never being selected by a birth mother/birth parents. that, surely, is a possibility, right. however remote.
what kept me going was not my knowing that there was a child for us to welcome into our home. i never felt that connection between this world and that spirit world where i believe spirits are awaiting their time to come to earth and receive a body.
i’ve told you that i go to a pregnancy yoga class on saturdays. i’ve told you the nonsense our instructor says about babies and their choice of gender.
during shavasana, she also asks us to connect with our baby, to send him or her a message or a blessing. i am not good at that part. probably because i don’t feel like my baby is really there with me or altogether there.
so i usually take that time to offer up a short prayer to my Heavenly Father. i ask Him to bless my baby to be healthy and strong. i ask Him to help me to be healthy and strong. i ask Him to let my son and my dad meet and know each other. stuff like that.
a couple of weeks ago as i offered my prayer, i felt or understood something for the first time. it was not a thought of my own. but i also didn’t hear a voice. it was a knowledge that settled on me. in me. around me. my first glimpse at a connection between me and the male spirit who will join his body and be my son.
i said i didn’t hear a voice, but it was as though someone was telling me, “he’s here. he’ll be there soon. he’s coming. it’s really going to happen.”
and i wanted to say out loud, “you’re really coming. you really are. and i can’t wait.”
but i didn’t say anything. it was shavasana, after all.