today actually marks 30 weeks, but i wasn’t ready to write about last week until now. and since nothing has happened to justify a 30 weeks post, it can wait.
so apparently, i have gestational diabetes. and to say i haven’t been happy about it is being polite. gentle.
oh, how i cried and cried and cried. and cried. i felt like such a failure. so guilty. already a bad mom. so emotional.
which brings me to one realization i had this week. third trimester hormones are crazy powerful. holy wow. sure, i probably would have cried when i found out i had gestational diabetes even if not influenced by pregnancy hormones. but i just don’t think i would have cried as much as i did.
plus, i’ve been crying about everything else. feeling tired can bring on a good cry.
pregnancy brain is also real because now i can’t remember any other examples of me crying at the drop of a hat.
back to lamenting my existence about gd.
in case you don’t know what causes gd, let me educate you.
first, it is not caused by me pigging out on red vines and fruit snacks and ice cream.
second, i am not a fat slob. (this has nothing to do with my gd diagnosis. just needed to get it established for the record.)
instead, gestational diabetes brings us back to pregnancy hormones. those crazy powerful suckers that get produced more and more as the weeks pass are insulin resistant, making it difficult to get glucose to the cells. if glucose doesn’t make it to the cells, it stays in your blood. ergo, higher than normal or than acceptable blood sugar.
to overcome the insulin-resistant state of your pregnant body, your pancreas has to produce 3 times as much insulin as normal. most women’s pancreases are up to the task and blood sugar levels remain normal. some pancreases, like mine, can’t get it done.
so i have to learn a new diet. and i’ll be checking my blood sugar 4-5 times a day. and altering my diet to find the right balance of carbs and protein and fat that keeps my blood sugar in a happy place.
if that doesn’t work (but we all have all the confidence in the world and are praying that it will), i will go one some diabetes medication.
and guess what, if i end up taking medication, it still doesn’t mean that i’m bad at following the right diet or that i’m a loser failure. it means that my gestational diabetes can’t be managed by diet alone, and drugs are in order.
the nurse who called and broke the news to me assured me that my ob office knows just how to handle this and that i don’t need to worry about my baby. i can still have a vaginal delivery. my baby will still be healthy. i can be healthy, too. and so on.
then she referred me to the diabetes and nutrition center that is part of the local hospital system. seems that they’re really the people who know just how to handle things. i will learn from them what to do next monday. (don’t get me started about having to wait almost 2 weeks before being able to get an appointment.)
at this moment, i am doing fine. yesterday, i was super stressed about it all. eating is not about enjoyment right now. eating is my job. how long will that yogurt last? do i have enough food and snacks to get me through today or this week? how often will i have to go to the grocery store? will i be able to go to the grocery store as often as i need to? what about when i’m in dc? how will i manage my diet there when i don’t have access to my fridge and my cupboards?
i am sure that when i sit down with the experts, i will learn a ton and will be able to find some enjoyment in food again. and some calmness about it all.
my husband and my sister have wisely said that if it was absolutely critical that i begin a “perfect” eating plan immediately, they would have moved heaven and earth to get me an appointment before next monday. they have told me to try to relax. just do what i can and try not to worry.
easier said than done, of course. i know on some level that they’re right.
but at the same time, i am telling myself that it does matter. my baby is growing every day. he needs nutrients and such from me every day. shouldn’t i be doing all i can to give him the best i’ve got?
so. umm. yeah. i have gestational diabetes. please don’t judge me.