haunted

stop me if i’ve said this before.

there’s a poem by charles wesley. also a hymn in the lds hymnbook.

here’s the first stanza.

Come, let us anew our journey pursue,
Roll round with the year,
And never stand still till the Master appear.
His adorable will let us gladly fulfill,
And our talents improve
By the patience of hope and the labor of love,
By the patience of hope and the labor of love.

oh heck. here’s the rest.

Oh, that each in the day of His coming may say,
“I have fought my way thru;
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.”
Oh, that each from his Lord may receive the glad word:
“Well and faithfully done;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne.”

Our life as a dream, our time as a stream
Glide swiftly away,
And the fugitive moment refuses to stay;
For the arrow is flown and the moments are gone.
The millennial year
Presses on to our view, and eternity’s here,
Presses on to our view, and eternity’s here.

not even going to touch the gladly fulfilling His will section. i’m not up to the task today.

i’m not kidding when i tell you that the whole song has been in my head basically since the new year. and do you want to know which line in particular is on repeat? it might surprise you. or it might not. i guess it depends on how well you know me.

before you read on, go back and read the poem again. see if you can figure it out.

here’s a nice picture to look at while you think on it.

hot babe5b_1

do you have your guess ready? and will you be honest and tell me if you were right or wrong?

okay, here it is.

“and never stand still till the Master appear.”

never stand still. never stand still. never. stand. still.

i think this line is nagging me because i just want to take a break. and because i’m supposed to be taking a break from this fertility and pregnancy nonsense. (nonsense is not the right word, but i can’t come up with a better one.)

should i not be taking a break? should i always press forward? am i thinking about this so much that i am effectively standing still? what would constitute not standing still at this point since there’s not an ivf cycle on tap for a few months?

i’ll tell you something i really need to do more than i’m doing. i need to communicate. i need to convince myself that taking a break does not include becoming silent. because i will and do continue to feel. and i still need to vent and process what i’ve just lived through.

perhaps it’s especially hard because there is no ivf cycle to “be strong” or “be hopeful” about. so now what i think about is all the doubts and fears that i squashed with all the faith and hope and confidence that was coursing through me. and who wants to hear from negative nancy all the time.

maybe i’ve said this all before. tough noogies, i say. clearly, i still have work to do.

and now that i’ve dragged you down to my gulf of misery and endless woe (not really, i hope), i will say that i think “come, let us anew” is a beautiful hymn. listen. the message is equally beautiful. someday, i’ll wax poetic – or prose-y – about its beauty.

p.s. i haven’t forgotten about the talent solicitation of a few weeks ago. (thanks so much for making me cry with all your kind and generous and wonderful comments.) i’m working on it.

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3 Responses to haunted

  1. Carol Schiess says:

    Maybe there’s a reason.

  2. Jed says:

    I think that’s a beautiful hymn, too Alyce. I’ve never really read the words carefully until you posted them though. So many good lines. I wasn’t necessarily thinking this might be “your line” but I really liked “by the patience of hope.” I love that. Not just any patience, but hope’s patience. I guess real hope, true hope, hope that cometh of faith and makes an anchor for our souls, can also give us patience. At least that’s what I thought of when I read that line. Interesting that a hymn with that line in it would also start with the encouragement to pursue our journey anew. Fitting words for someone who’s so faithfully pursuing such a worthwhile journey as you are.

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