discomfort

i have been making my almost weekly long commute to dc for over 3 years now. every now and again i have stayed at a hotel, but the vast majority of the time i have been the humble and grateful guest in a number of homes.

never once has any host o’ mine said a peep about feeling imposed upon. and probably they don’t feel any imposition. but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a serial imposer. a mooch. always indebted to so many people and never able to repay.

but all of that is nothing compared to the conversation that awaits me this morning.

we took a break from ivf so we could save up a bit of money to pay for our not-covered-by-insurance-no-way-no-how super expensive drugs. when we were talking over the schedule and the waiting and the price of drugs, the ivf coordinator at the fc told me that she would see about providing us with a “sample” cartridge or two of follistim. translation: i’m going to try to give you $1000+. (last time i used 6 follistim cartridges, i think.)

so today’s the day. i need to call and order my raft of drugs. run up the credit card bill.

but first, i have to know if the fc will be giving us any follistim. and if so, will it be one cartridge or two? $500+ or $1000+.

my heart is racing. i am so nervous. mooch or leech or begger doesn’t even begin to describe what i feel.

but i’m not a wimp. i picked up the phone and called. i asked the question. i didn’t feel overly mortified.

why is my heart still beating its way out of my chest? why are my hands still shaking?

because the ivf coordinator wasn’t available. she’ll have to call me back with the verdict. i’ll have to wait for her call before i know how much mooching we’ll be doing.