i have zero motivation to do anything today. zero. nothing.
sure, i’m unmotivated about work. but i can’t even think of something else i’d rather be doing. maybe sleeping. a nap might be good right about now.
it’s not good. not endearing or attractive, i’d imagine.
last night as i was going to bed, i told myself that i would get up and be motivated. get out of bed and shower and get to work and work hard. and be productive.
and then i started watching the end of crazy stupid love on tv. and then ben came in and fell asleep practically instantly (after a brief repartee). while i lay there and marveled at his skills. and abilities.
i really only marveled for a couple of minutes because out of nowhere my innards rose up and went on the offensive. obvs, i was immediately on the defensive. i can’t describe the pain. cramping and contracting in motion. like it started in one place and traveled. traveled extensively. somehow i did not cry out, notwithstanding my intense desire to do so. my husband was sleeping after all, and why did both of us need to be suffering.
is this tmi? i apologize. i need to write it down. maybe it will help me move past it.
what followed is perhaps not fit to be written. let’s just say that i went in the bathroom and sat down for a good while.
i allowed myself to cry out a couple of times. after all, ben was sleeping and on the other side of a closed door. and i was in a lot of pain. and i was so tired. i for real had thoughts about not wanting to continue in this life. which, of course, makes it sound worse than it was. my bathroom experience the day of my last egg retrieval was far more violent and painful. but i wasn’t as tired and irrational then as i was last night. last night, i thought that if this offensive continued, i would raise the white flag and surrender.
as quickly as the onslought had arrived, it departed. victorious. no doubt laughing and mocking at my meager attempt to fight back.
so i got back in bed. and it’s possible that on my return i fell asleep just as fast as my husband had only 30-ish minutes before.
but it is not until these few minutes as i’ve written this that i remember that i went to bed last night committed to being a producer today. a go-getter.