just tell the whole world, why don’t you

it’s official. we are on the ivf path. and we’re not getting off until i’m pregnant. or until we’ve tried as many times as my body and emotions can handle.

just because i’m making this announcement doesn’t mean that i want you to pepper me with questions. especially questions about whether or not i’m pg. but i might need to vent sometimes, and i might as well be able to do it without having to talk in code. am i right or am i right.

my current “issue” is that i have to control (read:  reduce) my weight. the truth is that i have to keep it at exactly the same place (or lower) and can’t gain even a pound. it’s all about staying qualified for a version of a shared risk plan with the folks at the fc. but doesn’t that basically equate to actively working to lose weight? when was the last time you heard of a woman whose weight was a steady and unchanging thing? i must drag the number down if i have any hope of staying ahead of the curve.

this is maybe the first time in my life that it’s been an outside force applying real and actual pressure on me re my weight. every other time, it’s been me wanting to be skinnier or a particular size or whatever. even at this current weight o’ mine, before the mandate from dr. fertility, i’ve been getting more and more down on myself for how i’ve let myself pudge out and telling myself that today is the day that i’m going to do something about it. i will not allow another ounce of squishy to take up residence here.

all the internal force has stayed mostly in neutral, like a giant ball of potential energy with no kinetic energy yet. inertia is a powerful thing, people.

the external force hasn’t kicked into gear yet either.

but, oh boy, it needs to. how can i cry to my husband or my mom about this (read: a baby) being the only thing in the whole world i’ve ever really wanted and then decide it’s okay to sit on my hiney?

don’t get me wrong. i have been exercising more and eating less sugar in the last 4-6 weeks than in the preceding 4-6 months. but if i want to lose weight and do it noticeably, i have to get real. i have to dig deep and find the connection between my baby cravings and health and exercise and also disconnect the link between babyless blues and sitting and sitting and munching.

so basically, i need to do something i’ve never been super good at doing. i need to set a goal, make a plan. and then, hide your eyes because this is going to get ugly. i need to work toward that goal, follow my plan.

all you goal setters and planners out there, no laughing. just because it’s easy and obvious to you, doesn’t mean it’s easy and obvious to everyone. especially not to me. i bet you’re not nearly as adept at cracking a joke as i am. we all have our strengths. wanna trade for a couple of weeks so i can get this get-in-shape-girl plan together?

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4 Responses to just tell the whole world, why don’t you

  1. Hi Alice,
    I don’t know if know, but I did IVF quite a few times. If you ever want to talk or anything…give me an email or call. I think Ben has all my info. I know that it is a hard time and that your emotions are going wild, but if you want to vent, give me a call.
    Thoughts & prayers will be with you.
    Jane Thorpe

  2. Carol Schiess says:

    I say, why not? You are free. Tell anyone and everyone, if that’s what you want to do. I love you.
    Your Mom.

  3. Emilie Ahern says:

    Just think…once you get that baby going inside you get to pig out for 9 months straight!
    Best of luck on the IVF. It’s a difficult process.

    We’re here for you…but only if it means I can ask you about it every single time I see you. Because, having helped you and all, that would make me in the inner circle…am I right? And I’m pretty sure you’ve already asked yourself, “Just what is Emilie Ahern getting out of this?”

  4. dots says:

    When Casey was doing her fertility stuff, she said she would become a whole different person at times…Chole, I think she named her….You can do it 🙂 Can’t wait to see where it all leads you!! Love you! dots….

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