dear tuesday,

i snore. jenny pointed it out yesterday in her comment, and i’m here to own it.

it’s one of the things i do that i don’t deem feminine or dainty. (i’m not saying that dainty and feminine are synonyms; i would just like to be more of both.) it’s also one of the things i do that i don’t feel like i have a whole lot of control over. yes, i could wear some kind of contraption that purports to prevent snoring, but barring that, it’s something i’m probably going to do every night of my life for the rest of it.

my husband and i both snore. but it doesn’t stop either one of us from sleeping. i guess that means neither one of us snores loud enough to wake the dead. unless i’m taking progesterone and having one of my middle-of-the-night fits of wakefulness as a result. at those times, if my husband is snoring, i feel very much like it’s keeping me awake. which, i suppose, is not the same as snoring loud enough to wake someone. it’s just exactly the same as snoring loud enough to keep someone – who is already awake – awake a little longer. i guess i know good and well that it’s the progesterone that woke me up. and not the snoring. stupid hormone regulating/supplementing drugs that are intended to help you get pregnant but only succeed in waking you up. as in, wide awake.

a lady i go to church with also snores. i know this not because we’ve ever slept in the same room or house. i know this because she fell asleep in sunday school and proceeded to produce some lovely audible snores. poor thing. she must have been so tired. i wonder if she knows she snores. i hope not. because that might leave her feeling kind of embarrassed to think that it’s possible that she snored during sunday school.

and that’s the thing. snoring at night in my own home and in my own bed is not in and of itself embarrassing. especially if the only other person in the house is sleeping, too, and therefore cannot hear my melodies. snoring is pretty much only embarrassing when other people hear it.

i would submit to you that no awake person is able to make the sound of his or her own snoring. yes, he or she can make snoring sounds while awake. but it’s never the same sound as the snoring produced while sleeping. that’s my hypothesis. and i defy you to test it. yeah. find a way to test it on enough people so you can say you’ve got enough data to prove me wrong. i bet you can’t do it.

i did not wear the ear plugs last night. i also had no wacky dreams. but i am remembering that i did dream a little bit about riding in a car with some woman who had a dog and almost running into the back of a police car (that was some kind of compact kia piece of plastic) and needing to avoid hundreds of cyclists who were participating in some kind of race. and then i was in her house trying to plug in a phone to a jack while trying desperately to help the dog calm down. oh, i held that dog so tight and close. does that qualify as a wacky dream? i didn’t think so until now.

put that in your pipe and smoke it,

me